Spa-ctacular

So, with one month to go, I've finally decided to do something about my 'bridal beauty'. I took up this traditional bridal spa package...four sessions, all in all, for RM750. Went for my first session the other day, admittedly, quite nervous about the thought of stripping down in front of a complete stranger, boobs akimbo, nipples ablazing. Did I use that correctly? Akimbo. Swear I've heard that somewhere. Hmm not to self, google 'akimbo'.

Anyway, the place is pretty secluded, nothing fancy, just a small bungalow in Jalan Ampang, a couple of rooms in one house. It was pretty quiet when I got there. Eerily quiet, in fact. I'd like to think it's so exclusive, like a secret only an elite group of brides-to-be share with one another. Cheyyy. So as I stepped inside, this girl straight away led me up to a big room, with two massage beds. The smell of traditional oils and lepat pisang (not making this up, I texted Yasir "I'm craving lepat pisang for some strange reason") wafted in the air. She told me to strip, and I was like whoaaa there stranger, I barely know your name, but I stripped anyway and slipped into the disposable panties. THANK MOTHER OF GOD for the disposable panties. Although this would then be pulled down later on in the session when she proceeded to massage and manhandle my bare ass.

So for four hours, I was massaged, scrubbed like a baby (we call this mandi lulur)..all the while acting like ho-hum I get half naked in front of strangers for a living pshhht, had a milk bath and sauna. The massage session was good, and I sweat like a pig on heat during the sauna session, so I'm guessing some of my toxins must have dripped from my body. At the end of four hours, I thanked 'adik' - the girl who now knows what my nipples look like - and asked to see what was in store for the rest of my spa sessions. She whipped out a laminated piece of paper, and I scanned the treatments. Lulur, facial, mandi bunga (flower...bath?), two more massages etc...and somethin somethin tangas. "Tangas? Apa tu dik?" I asked her. She went on to explain calmly about how they were going to smoke my vagina. I don't mean Malboro Lights Menthol smoke la..though that would make an interesting visual, I mean use good old fashioned smoke, you know, OH WHATEVER.

"Excuse me? Say what now?" was my reaction to this, when in reality I think I just stared at her and said, "Heh?"

Adik said it was very good for the vajayjay, gets rid of odours (mine smells fine, just so you know..Cosmopolitan magazine says musky odour is perfectly normal right??) and white...stuff. I just smiled and straight away made a mental note to self to shave for the fourth session. If smoke is what my vagina needs, so be it. So at 7pm, I walked out of that bungalow a new woman. Next mission: Posing nude for Playboy.

Oh, I'm going for a skin lasering session to help my 'Orang jahat' holes on my face look less jahat. We'll see how that goes.


Sloppy bridezilla kisses!